go no further

go no further

a few months ago i travelled to kansas city for a friend's wedding. i drove there alone, and i was excited to. i have always loved solo travel. i wish i knew exactly why, but one reason i do know is that ya girl is fast (walking, driving, talking, the whole shebang), and having to wait for other people to keep up with me isn't my fav haha. i was excited for this trip for more than just the wedding cake (yes i love cake with a passion and no that is not a bad thing).

in the weeks leading up to the trip, i was incredibly bored. since graduating high school i've been smacked in the face by the reality that summers mean nothing when you're an adult. there's no 3-month break from work, you don't get to travel all the time with no reason to come home. you don't get to indulge in late nights and late mornings. life goes on, just 30 degree hotter than normal. everyday in summer as an adult is just a sweatier workday. i was desperately in need of a change of scenery, and kansas city was gonna be perfect! i'd never been, but heard it was wonderful, and

honestly, i didn't care where i was going as long as i was going somewhere!

i planned my trip with extra days around the wedding to hit the town. my best friend arie and i went out for coffee, got sushi bowls (so good, whoa!!) and went to the coolest bar ever, earthy lounge vibes (the mean mule gets 5 stars from these girls!). in my spare time i went to the van gogh exhibit which was stunning, got more coffee (ofc) and wrote poetry on a rooftop, where a few pages blew away. yes, it looked and felt just as poetic as it sounds, but also i was very sad. 

as wonderful and fun (and so freaking hot!) as kansas city was, i needed and wanted it to be more than it could. 

while i may not have been able to recognize or put in words what i wanted, i had hoped that this trip would cure my boredom, and honestly my general apathy for my life at the time. i needed it to be a distraction from and cure for how bored i was all the time. i was hoping that the fun i would have in a mere 4 days would carry me the rest of the summer, and boy was i wrong. 

the week after i got home was a brutally clear example of what it looks and feels like to have high expectations crash and burn. ask my family, i was in such a bad mood for an entire week, but it took me longer than that to realize why. and then it hit me, and boy did it hurt. i got home and guess what, life. went. on. i went back to work, i still had responsibilities, and my problems didn't magically go away just because i temporarily did. i was mad, i was sad, and i felt hopeless. 

now you may be thinking, "really miracle, hopeless? that's a little dramatic don't you think?" and maybe it was. the hopelessness i felt was that which comes with an understanding that not many voids within me could be so easily filled by a weekend trip and a girls night out. my desire to travel was about so much more than just a need for a change of scenery and new restaurants. i was deeply dissatisfied with my life, and thought that if i did more, went somewhere new, stayed with different people, wore different clothes, that i would feel different, and feel happier. i was wrong, and deep down i always knew it. 

 more evident than my lack of activities this summer, what i was lacking more than anything was time spend with my Father. i'd neglected the one relationship that gave me purpose, joy, and a reason to wake up in the morning (not to mention the ability to!). i was really good at talking to God as my leader, asking Him what He wanted me to do and obeying whatever He said, but i had been missing out on the friendship He was also inviting me to, that's just as important.

time spent with Him gave my life, months, weeks, days and moments meaning like nothing and no one else could, and when i realized that is when things finally started to get better. they didn't get better because i had more fun things to do or people to hang out with or reasons to look cute (because mm mm mm nothing makes me feel good like looking good).

things got better because i started to take the time to talk with not just God the Father, but God the Friend. 

i'm not saying i don't still crave adventure, going new places and trying new things, but now when i do it isn't because i'm running away from something. from boredom, dissatisfaction, or problems. i just want to enjoy a little more of the beautiful world i've been given access to. now the trips are more enjoyable because on my solo drives i'm talking with Jesus, and it's in those moments i am reminded that i'm not as alone as i often feel. i'm encouraged by His reminders that every day is so so beautiful, because they are all something He has given me. when i dread waking up in the morning is when i forget just how amazing a gift that breath of life is, the fact that my spirit hasn't yet left my body, and the knowing that His spirit dwells within me. that's not something to take lightly, and it's not something to run from. sure, i still may be bored out of my mind at work, and yes a i am literally always planning a vacation that will probably never happen haha, but i am reminded often to go no further than this moment. when i try to run is when i forget how good the here and now is. 

maybe this whole post is just for me to reminisce, and be reminded of what God has and is teaching me, but i hope you're encouraged and reminded to. you are where you are for a reason, and it's a gift. be it your job, your school, your family, your city. you've been placed and planted for such a time as this, this moment right here, so go no further than that. 

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