this is my sister, brianna, a.k.a. bri, bria, brawna, bruh, b-dawg, or mr. steak (meet the robinsons, anyone?). we are 18 months apart, and that right there speaks to the mystery that is time, because sometimes i feel like she's my child, and others, my twin. we've been through a lot, her whole life, in fact lol. our childhood relationship was quite interesting.
when she was first born up until when she was about 6 we were best buds, always together. people thought we were twins even. though that does not speak how close we were but how blind the people who saw us were because what the heck, we have never looked like each other even remotely, but i digress.
then, somewhere around the time when i was in second grade our relationship changed. we fought all the time, always had something to be upset about, and if we didn't then just give it a few seconds cause one would pop up real quick. we were always at each other's throats. i wish i could tell ya exactly why, but i can't. what i do know, however, is my relationship with my sister has taught me more about relationships between humans than i think any other. i have learned from us because we are human, and bri is the closest human i may ever have. we have seen each other at our best and our very worst, when we are on top of the world and when we are in our lowest pits, and we've each had quite our share.
what i have learned from us is how to love broken people, and how to let yourself, broken and messed up as you may be, be loved. i am broken. i know a lot if not most of why our relationship took a turn is because of me. i was hurting and felt alone and unloved, and i subconsciously blamed her, so i pushed her away. now, it wouldn't have looked that way to anyone else. we still lived together, very closely in fact (we've shared a room ever since she was born and have only lived alone since this past october! only one of us was sad about this, guess who lol). but in my heart there was a wound, which caused a wall to be built, and she was caught on the armed side of it again and again. this then caused her to be wounded, to put up her own walls, and before we knew it, we were constantly at war with each other, all because we were hurt and alone and didn't want to be. it became a cycle- one of us would get hurt, so we'd open fire, hurting the other person who would then fire back, hurting you again, causing the cycle to continue.
"hurt people hurt people" we heard often, but perhaps never applied it to us because we didn't realize just how hurt we'd been by this war going on below the surface for a decade. eventually, however, wars have to end, but that doesn't mean there has to be a winner. every now and then, one of us would be the bigger person and ask the question "why." why are we fighting right now? what about what just happened hurt so much and why? why do we keep getting hung up over the same stuff, having the same arguments that come to the same ending every time? what are we gaining from all of this? and what are we losing from this constant fight? which one of us is going to decide to ceasefire?
we finally realized that there are no winners in wars between two, because regardless of who comes out "on top," both have been wounded.
one thing that being in a family has taught me is that if one of us is down, we all are, and if one of us is hurt, we all feel it. bri and i had to come to this place where we were both humble enough to see that there was no satisfaction in winning a battle or argument when the war between the two of us brought many more casualties than two. the line we'd drawn between us had grown to a ditch, to a moat, to a canyon, until neither of us were able to cross over to reach the other person, and at the time we didn't even want to. but living so closely with someone and yet feeling miles away takes a toll, and at some point you have to realize that relationships that important are worth that trek, no matter how steep the climb or far the fall.
maybe this post reminds you of you and your sibling, or parent or friend. maybe you're like me, who let your own hurts infect your relationships in ways that seem like you may never recover. or maybe you feel like bri, who had been hurt so much you feel like the only response is to fight back. whichever side of the wall you may find yourself on, there's still a wall, and it needs to be broken. take it from me, take it from us. what you may have put up for the purpose of protection will only push people away and leave you isolated. and maybe it's just me, but i think the possibility of being loved is worth the risk of getting hurt. letting your walls down is scary, and removing your mask is painful, but are you not more afraid of never letting yourself be known and loved? i think it's worth the risk. the canyon may be deep and dangerous, but man, what you will gain from taking that hike is grand.