retrospect

"the only things i ever regret are the things i never did."

that's a quote by me, something i say to myself often. when i'm faced with an opportunity or an open door that's scary, this is what i say to myself, because for me it's 100% true. 

some of you may be thinking "that can't possibly be true, how have you never regretted anything?!" well, let's break down what kind of regret i'm talking about. yes, i have had regrets of things that i've done, but those regrets don't last. why? simple: the outcome is concrete. one of my two biggest fears is the unknown, and fears stick very strongly in our brains. so let's break this down. our brain holds strongly to fear, and my biggest fear is the unknown. a regret from my past is not unknown. i was in a situation, i said or did something that produced a result that i wish didn't happen, but it did. it is not unknown, therefore, i am not afraid of it. so eventually i will forget about the event completely. let me give you another reason i don't hold onto regrets from the past.

in second grade, i was in gym class sitting on the bleachers with my classmates as my gym teacher demonstrated what we would be doing that day in class. i have no idea what we were doing that day, i wasn't paying the least bit attention. "but why miracle? in your last blog post you said you were a great listener and good student!" well yes, i was, but that was when i wasn't dangerously close to my little baby bladder exploding. i had to pee that day in gym class. i had to pee very very very badly. but here's the thing, my whole crisis could've been averted if i'd just let go of the "perfect student" achievement for one moment! but i'm getting ahead of myself. so here's the thing, as a good student, and a child who very much wanted to please the adults around me, i refused to leave the gym without properly issued permission. but i also refused to get it because i didn't want the other kids to laugh at me for having to pee (like literally anyone gives a rip that i need to use the bathroom same as anyone else).

well friends, a full 9-year-old bladder can only hold out for so long, and mine reached it's limit. right there, through my gym shorts and straight onto the bleachers, i peed on myself. i was so embarrassed. fortunately, i was on the end of the back row sitting next to my best friend jessica, who hadn't noticed at all. i panicked for a moment, then i leaned over to her and said, "if the teacher asks where i am, tell him i went to the bathroom," and i ran. i ran to the bathroom so fast you woulda thought my period started! (tmi? ah, i don't care, y'all know i'm a woman) what i did in the bathroom, i have no clue because what was there to do, i already peed! i wiped my legs off and slinked off into the hallway, where i ran into the janitor. i told her what happened, expecting her to laugh at me or scold me, but no. she just said, "it's ok missy, i'll go clean that right up for ya!" and went to clean off the bleachers. i never went back to gym class, and no one said anything of the incident. 

i can hear you wondering if i realized how long of a tangent that was, and yes, yes i do, because it's not a tangent, it's part of my point. here's the thing friends, that's not the only time i peed on myself in school, and that story was far from the worst, cause another time i got called out in class in front of everyone! but here's the thing. have you ever embarrassed yourself? have you peed on yourself? have you tripped in front of the room? have you said something dumb to your crush? have you ever thought you could make that pimple on your forehead go away and it only got bigger and badder?? i'd bet my childhood that you have. and that, my friends, is why i don't hold onto embarrassment. if it still doesn't make sense why, let me go deeper. 

do you have a bedtime routine? i stretch, read, or maybe watch a few episodes of scrubs. one thing i am quite confident is on most people's routine is laying in bed, lights off, and staring through your ceiling onto your most embarrassing memories. cringing and feeling the pain like it's happening all over again. but let me clarify, these are your memories right? you're remembering what you did in second grade, or how your friends called you out in front of your crush? or how you put yourself out there and totally failed? are you getting my point? no one is laying in bed thinking about what i did in second grade, they're thinking about what they did!!! so why would i waste the time i could be sleeping worrying about what others were thinking of me then or what they think of me now when they're just laying awake thinking about their own mistakes! so no, watching a few episodes of "miracle's most embarrassing home videos" in my mind is not a part of my bedtime routine, because embarrassment is worrying about what others think of me, and no one is thinking of me. think about that! the next time you go to hit play on your next embarrassing episode, i want you to think about that, because you're the only one giving that show views, which means it probably isn't even worth watching anyway...

so regrets. i don't hold onto or think about the thing that i've done or said, but what i do often ponder is the things or the opportunities i had that i said no to, that i ran from because i was afraid. my other big and bad fear is failure! and because it is unknown whether or not i will succeed oftentimes i won't even start. and it's that, my friends, that i am left pondering at night. i think about where i could be right now if it said yes. i wonder what i would be doing if i said "why not" instead of "why." but here's the beauty of yeses, nos, and the God we serve, He is the door opener.

"He who opens and no one shuts, and shuts and no one opens. 'I know your works. see, I have set before you an open door,               and no one can shut it.'"                             - Revelation 3:7b-8a

some doors, many actually, i slam on myself, and walk away later regretting a lost opportunity, but God can open doors no man can shut, and that includes me. take this website for example. i fought kicking and screaming the idea of business. i always aid i hated business! and here i am, having built a website (which was way too much fun!) and running a business, and loving it. is it difficult sometimes? abso-freaking-lutely! but is it worth it? every. single. time. i haven't made hundreds of dollars yet, and i don't have 10k followers, but i'm doing what God told me to do, and that is the most satisfying reward i could ever received. so money or not, followers or not, my reward for saying yes is the fact that i did it. because i've said no more times than i can count, and nos don't leave me feeling good about staying safe. safe is boring! boxes are overrated! so just say yes and set your box on fire, you'll find that there's a lot of life outside of it.